


Still Here

by kai_lypso



Series: The Burden of a Monster [2]
Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst, Mentions of Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-19
Updated: 2015-01-19
Packaged: 2018-03-08 04:25:47
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,255
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3195260
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kai_lypso/pseuds/kai_lypso
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Mikasa's mourning.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Still Here

**Author's Note:**

> I listened to Still Here by Digital Daggers on repeat while writing this. Check that out if you want the full effect. It's perfect, really. 
> 
> I really didn't do this justice I'm sorry. This definitely will be the last of this for now. I'm so sorry this took so long! //I've had this finished for months now and I just now remembered *shot*// It's really hard to get in the mindset to write this and life isn't being very lenient. Anyway, I hope you enjoy it and I really appreciate all the support this has gotten, so thank you very much!

Mikasa sat at one of the long tables in the dining hall with a blank stare to the table top in front of her, hands laying almost delicately in her lap grasping something as though it were her lifeblood. She hadn't moved for several hours now, simply staring at the coarse and dirty table. Her body completely still, with the exception of her eyes, that darted across the table top, tracing the grim filled lines and natural wood curves, however, she saw none of it.

Instead, all she saw was incessant reruns of memories. Trivial moments that really had no impact on the entirety of her life, yet they held a certain importance now. Mikasa gripped the object in her hands tighter, wringing the soft material enough to wrinkle.

Tanned hands gripping her wrist, pulling her to a memory lost in the flood.

Bright, green eyes peering at her own as though they meant to read into her soul.

The bright smile and the gleam in those vibrant eyes, that could simultaneously be genuine or promise death.

The determination and will that Mikasa wished she had a slice of for herself right now. When she felt so weak and useless.

Eren would be disppointed in you Mikasa. She thought to herself. If he was in your position, he would get up and continue to live his life, not sit around and wallow in self pity.

Eren.

Mikasa's breath left her lungs in a rush. She was left gaping for air, bringing her hands to the table top to brace herself against the rush of emotions threatening to consume her.

\--  
It was nearing time to start heading to the award ceremony and as Eren hadn't shown his face since breakfast saying he had to get ready for this big day and Mikasa thought it was due time to rip him away from his reflection.

He' probably worried he doesn't look good, or something equally ridiculous. Mikasa thought with a small smile. As if Eren wouldn't look good in something, much less the perfect tie she offered him, just the perfect shade of green to bring out his vibrant eyes.

Even if she didn't seem like it, Mikasa was excited for this day as well. It was a huge step in everyone's lives and it was a though a weight had been lifted from humanity's shoulders.

Eren even seemed to relax a little. Over the years with the reality of the severity of the situation humanity found it's self in everyone started to look a little worse for wear. Eren especially. As time went by, Mikasa saw less and less of his smile, or the determined gleam in his eyes, or even much of him at all. He was always locked in his room, or training, or with the superiors going over battle plans. Mikasa had hoped that once this was all over, she could finally see a glimpse of the old Eren again. The Eren she grew up with.

So when the war was finally over and they got the news of the award ceremony with Eren's part in it, Mikasa thought her wish would finally come true. For the first time in years she saw Eren smile. A genuine, ear to ear, grin. Mikasa thought life would finally start looking up.

Mikasa came to Eren's door and paused for a moment. There was a stirring in her gut, but she brushed it off as sympathy nerves. Excitement, she told herself.

Knocking gently on the door she called out to Eren. "Eren. You look fine, we need to get going or we'll be late."

Instead of going away, the feeling in her gut got stronger. There's no need to panic. She reminded herself.It's not like he's off to fight titans. He's perfectly safe. Probably just fell asleep or something.

"Eren. I'm coming in."

Mikasa tried the door. Locked. After jiggling it a few times to assure herself that, yes the door is and will remain locked, she took a deep breath.

"Eren. We really need to leave. Wake up."

No response.

"Eren?"

...

"Eren open the door! I'm not kidding. Wake up!"

She pounded on the door, yet there was still no response. The door's locked. He has to be inside. Why won't he answer?

Mikasa stepped away from the door with a pounding heart. "Eren, I'm kicking down the door!" She warned. Five seconds later and still no indication of a response Mikasa got into position.

Deep breath. Count to three. "Bang!"

The heavy wood door slammed into the wall as it flew open, revealing the dark room to the outside world.

Why is it so dark in here? Mikasa wondered to herself and took a step inside, adjusting to the darkness.

"Eren?"

At first glance the room appeared to be empty. Eren's bed was made surprisingly well and there was nothing that said someone had been in this room all morning, but Mikasa then caught sight of a dark shadow on the wall next to the mirror.

Her breath quickened.

It was Eren's suit. The perfect tie draping delicately over the ebony fabric. There was no room for questions, because just then Mikasa caught sight of a shiny glimmer that should not be in the room.

Eyes drawn to the familiar sword sticking up in the air, she couldn't even start to wonder why Eren had his equipment in his room, when they'd been told to put in storage days ago, because the farther she looked into the gloom, the reason for the swords unnatural angle was becoming increasingly clear.

Mikasa screamed louder than she ever thought her vocal cords could manage, scrambling into the room as though in slow motion towards the pale body on the floor.

Her mind a racing train wreck, she dully noticed the large dark puddle surrounding her brothers body and ripped the blade from his chest, in hopes his titan abilities could close the wound. She then sat down next to Eren's pale body and lifted his head into her lap.

"No, no, no, no, no."

The blood leaked through her dress and moving Eren's body coated her hands in the sticky substance, now barely warm.

"No, no, no, no, no. This can't be. Eren? Can you hear me?"

Mikasa pressed her bloody hand to where Eren's pulse should be throbbing with life under his jaw. Only to come up empty.

"Eren. Come on, wake up. Please?"

The last word filtered into Mikasa's thrumming ears as a pitiful plea, sounding so broken, even to her.

Her hands couldn't stop moving on Eren's corpse, feeling the solidity of his form, yet the lack of his familiar warmth. She pressed her hands to the gaping hole in his chest, his forehead sticky with sweat, down his arms to his now vaguely grey hands, until finally she settled on holding his head up to her chest and bury her face into his hair, that surprisingly still held his scent, untainted from the carnage around them.

The tears that were just drops moments ago, rushed down her face in something akin to a mini river. None of this is real. It's all just a bad dream.

Mikasa never lifted her head, even when a loud gasp was heard at the door, not even when she was being pulled and prodded, or questioned. She gripped onto Eren for as long as she could, before strong arms separated her from him. Sobbing, and screaming she was pulled into the showers.

\---

Mikasa lifted her hands to her face, the green fabric of the object falling loose of her death grip to drape almost innocently over her fingers. Eren's eyes when Mikasa found him were nothing like the color of the tie. They were dull and blunt in color, lacking the usual luster that Mikasa had come to love.

Looking at the tie, Mikasa tried to remember what Eren's eyes looked like with life flowing through them, but no matter how hard she tried, all she could see was the lifeless eyes slowly closing under influence of her fingertips.

She fisted her hands in her hair, the tie draping over her head. The pain in her chest tenfold and the tears renewing themselves to flow freely down her face.

Something in Mikasa snapped and she found herself screaming. Pulling at her hair, twisting it in her grasp with the tie still locked between her fingers.

"I don't want to remember!"

I don't want to remember.

I don't want to remember Eren in the moment he's no longer himself.

That wasn't Eren.

"Please..."

 

What will happen now that Eren's not here? What will I do? 

Eren... Eren was my only family. 

Mikasa paused in her thoughts. Eren was her only family. She had nothing left now. 

Lifting the tie to eye level, Mikasa studied it. She didn't have to be without Eren. There were ways to get a tool, as Eren had proven. She could...

 

"Mikasa!" It was a squeak of a voice, and suddenly Mikasa found herself pulled into a warm embrace.

"Ar... min." Mikasa started, sobbing loudly. This was what Eren was supposed to feel like when she held him. Not---

"Shhh. It's all going to be alright Mikasa. Just take a deep breath. Let's get you to bed shall we?"

\--- 

Lying under the warm sheets in the soft morning light Mikasa dully replays yesterdays events. She had no intention to leave the warmth of her bed just yet, hardly desiring to move at all. Lifting an arm over her eyes to block out the light, she remembers Eren's bleary, sleep clouded eyes and the way he would scowl first thing in the morning until he woke up. Then as soon as consciousness overtook him fully, his eyes would light up in the way that only his could do and he'd mention how he was going to be the one to kill all the titans one day. 

Mikasa's chest clinched painfully. 

They'd gone through with the ceremony without any problems, only giving a few words in in place of Eren. Mikasa remembered the red haze she felt at the dismissal, if not for Armin putting a restraining hand on her shoulder, whispering soothing words, she would have gone up in a riot to give a proper speech in his stead. 

Pulling her hand away from her face, Mikasa slowly raised her eyes to the green tie inconspicuously laying on her nightstand. Did it hurt? She wondered. What could have possibly gone through his mind at the moment of truth? Was she thinking of his friends? His life? Was he really in a better place? 

The thought that she didn't have to live in questions came to her mind again. But how could she do that to Armin? He'd have no one left if she went through with it. Mikasa sighed, unbidden tears spilling down her cheeks, and shifted in the bed again, coming face to face with the man who filled her previous thoughts standing silently in the doorway with a tray in his hands. Red lined his eyes and Mikasa was hit with the sudden reality that Armin was probably feeling just as bad as she was. They were best friends, even before she came along. How could she think to leave him too? 

"Hey." Armin started, voice low. "Are you okay?" 

Mikasa watched him as came towards the bed on light feet, a mouthwatering smell wafting up from the tray as it came closer. "I'm sorry, bad question. Of course you're not okay." He muttered and set the tray in front of him as he settled onto the bed. "Here, I brought you breakfast. You should eat."

"Thank you." Mikasa said softly. 

"How are you feeling?" Armin asked, closely studying Mikasa's features. 

"Better, thank you." A pause as Mikasa grabbed the tray and began to pick at the food, her own words to Eren encouraging him to eat echoing in her head. "Are you doing okay?" She asked softly. 

Armin looked taken aback. "I- uh, yeah." He sighed. "It's just hard. He was such a large part of our lives, and now..." And now he's gone, filled into the silence Armin left off. Neither able to quite come to terms with Eren's sudden permanent absence. He was right. Mikasa had never realized just how prominent his presence had been until the emptiness echoed in the silence around them. 

Mikasa continued to eat in silence, both lost in their own thoughts when Armin suddenly spoke up. "You know, we shouldn't let this stop us from living out the rest of our lives to it's fullest. We... I think we should continue with our plans to explore the world and find the ocean. For Eren. He would have wanted that." 

The ache in her chest panged again at the mention of their plans, now without Eren included. She could see his bright smile and gleaming eyes at the mention of the ocean in her minds eye. 

That's it. That'll have to be enough. There's no point in sitting here wishing for it to be different, thinking of things that have already passed. The only way is forward. That's what Eren would have wanted. For them to live the life that he can't. Live it with him in their hearts, so hopefully when they meet again, there will be many stories to tell. 

"I think that's best." Mikasa whispered with a slight smile gracing her lips as she met eyes with Armin. Armin smiled as well.


End file.
